If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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