So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
