My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
