u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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