no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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