shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"