for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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