There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
