Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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