Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
