my mouth tastes like poor choices
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
