i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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