I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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