please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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