those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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