I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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