I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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