Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
We smell like vodka and hangover
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