Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
