Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
