I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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