Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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