Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Randomize
