i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
