At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
why do cheetos always look like penises
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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