If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
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I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
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My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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