: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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