Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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