this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
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What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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