Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize