Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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