You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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