I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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