My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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