she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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