Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
