the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
