you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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