So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
