I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
you made out with another girl for some wings
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
