Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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