I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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