I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
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I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
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It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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