gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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