i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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