WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
she woke up with a sticky ear
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
