mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
