i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
