I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
