I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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