There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
