I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
