i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
