dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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