I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
