No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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