anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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