I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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