Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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